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Parents, get tough with the rules to help your child
Editorial by Dwight Bain, Co-host of Culture Shock TV
Building a child's self esteem is a huge goal for many parents. Yet it may shock you to know that some of the classic things that you may have thought would help your child to become successful in life may actually set them up to fail. Young people that receive this type of flawed psychological based parenting may be headed into a life of misery. Drugs, alcoholism, and broken relationships may be the end result of too much psychology in the parenting arena.
It has often been thought, and even taught by some psychologists that spending short periods of "quality time" with a child, loving and unconditionally accepting them would be enough to create a responsible and successful adult. This kind and playful behavior is to be given with little or no negative redirection, discipline or correction. Parents were taught to be a child's friend and playmate, say "yes" often and never to say or do anything that might harm the feelings of the child, or make them feel sad. Once you have helped a child to feel good about themselves, you can then back out of the time spent in the parenting role and allow the child to make the decisions that they think are best. You and the child end up being "buddies" that would never condemn one another, but rather accept each other's behavior as okay, since it is what you or the child want to do. I have actually been in training sessions where this type of parenting was presented as the optimal environment for building healthy children. Love them, coddle them, but never be too hard or firm with them. Be their friend, not a mean mother or father figure. Let them find their own way, and trust their judgment, not yours as the parent.
Now a new study has shown that this type of parenting leaves a youth more vulnerable and weakened to say "no" to the pressures of drugs alcohol and tobacco addiction. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse recently produced a report, financed by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration which showed a clear correlation between firm, direct parenting and the distant non-confrontational style of parenting.
Teenagers that came from homes with firm guidelines, clear standards of right and wrong and involved parents who asked tough questions were far less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol or tobacco. Edward Jurith, acting drug policy adviser to President Bush, commended the study in a written statement, "Youth tell us that their parents can empower them to make healthy decisions about drugs, Parents' words and actions are more effective than they may think in keeping their children away from drugs".
The most effective style of parenting for prevention of substance abuse were the ones who were not afraid to question their teenaged sons and daughters about music, usage of the Internet, and television, as well as boldly say "no" as needed. As old-fashioned as this may sound, the young people from the homes with firm limits, were better equipped to avoid these dangers. The indirect and non-limit setting group of parents seemed to have the opposite effect on their children.
Here are the indicators used to identify the involved "strict" parenting style which prevented young people from the high risk behavior associated with abusing tobacco, alcohol or illegal drugs:
* Parents expect to be told where teen is going in the evening or on weekends and is told the truth by the teen.
* Parents have made clear they would be "extremely upset" to find teen using marijuana.
* There are not periods of time after school or on weekends when parents do not know where teen is located.
* Parents monitor what teen is watching on television.
* Parents impose restrictions on the kind of music the teen is allowed to buy.
* Parents are very aware of how teen is doing in school.
* Parents monitor teen's Internet usage.
* Family typically has dinner together seven nights a week.
* Teen has a weekend curfew.
* An adult is always at home when teen returns from school.
* Teen is responsible for completing regular chores.
* The television is not on during dinner.
As old-fashioned as this type of parenting may sound, the children from homes with a Mom and dad that set and enforce boundaries are better equipped to face the pressures of life because someone loved them by saying the word that might very well save their life one day. "No." When a child learns to respond to "no" as a normal part of life, and to trust that some things are not in their best interest, they have one of the greatest character qualities of a successful individual. Self-discipline. Setting firm limits for your children and loving them by strictly enforcing those limits is the pathway to a successful young adult. Loving firmness from an involved parent beats untested psychological theories from a textbook every time.
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